Ancora Imparo (macabre_grrl) wrote,
Ancora Imparo

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dreams and screams

I had a weird dream where I was pregnant, and all I could think was, "I REALLY don't want to be pregnant now. No no no." I was not excited. My life was just flashing before my eyes, my heart sinking fast. Everyone else was excited and I was doing a bad job of pretending to be excited. Also, "Who's the dad? I'm four months along...who?...I didn't have any sex four months ago...right???"

So glad to wake up.

Nonetheless, the baby was a boy and I named him Ethan, just like I'd always planned to name my first boy child. First girl child will be Allegra Grace.

I also keep thinking about how much I'd like to be married someday in my late twenties, and I feel odd wanting this. But it makes sense for me, as I like to have a long, steady situation with someone, and I love him in many different yet synergistic ways. One of my problems with the pregnancy dream is that I do NOT want to have any babies until I am really sure that my partner is there and in for the longest possible haul. I figure if I'm going to marry him, I'm pretty sure about keeping him and I like him a lot and ideally he agrees. I wouldn't want to have any children in a situation outside of that. Way too much risk.

Nonetheless, until I am married, I am only committed to enjoying my singledom to the hilt. No regrets down the line, no thank you.

And yet, whenever I see a boy who is really cute, a part of my brain flickers to "what if he's my man?" I hate myself for this, but honestly, you never know. You just never know. Obviously, cute doesn't guarantee that he isn't a crybaby or an asshole or abusive or a metalhead or a conservative. Or even boyfriend material. Or should the opportunity arise, I can see myself suddenly not wanting him permanently, just as a source of good cock as I need it.

But I can't ignore the fact that you never know.
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