i am the canary in the coal mine

ahem

Wed, 21 May 2008 14:02:06 GMT

I'm not dead. I've actually grown rather bored with the internets. I like the existance of my livejournal and I intend to keep it, but ignoring it is also fine with me. I surf the net at work, and try to do other things in the evening. I don't do this YouTube crap. Politics has worn me out long ago.

I've been playing outside all this time, you see. Actually talking to real peoples. It's nice.

Life in the For Science! House is most excellent, the punk scene is lively, my bass is my good friend. I have a different boything now. I will probably stay at my current job at the hospital. I mean to take my math placement exams at the community college...soon. I keep taking ballet, hoping for pointe shoes and stumbling over and over again. I've done some sewing.

Maybe in the future I'll write regularly. Maybe not. But I won't drop this thing.

good-better-best

Mon, 04 Feb 2008 00:57:50 GMT

My special friend just left to go home, and I'm feeling a bit low.

It's okay though. It's just how it is. It'll wear off.

This year, I have failed to move much on my plans for improvement, which included more ballet lessons and more progress on finishing sewing projects.

In the ballet world, I am stymied by schedules. Will try again this week. I have to get my metabolism higher and keep it higher. This is a short-term as well as long-term goal, because my metabolism will slow down the older I get...unless I do something about it. I must keep my metabolism at an all-time high all the time. I have no real responsibilities now, so there's no excuse.

In the sewing world, I am stymied by my winter coat. The pocket situation is stressing me out. I read the instructions for making a welted pocket. The instructions are not clear. I set them aside and panic about them, hoping I can figure them out eventually. Production stands still. Lather, rinse, repeat. All this due to angst. And somehow I'm afraid to start other projects until I finish the first ones, and in the end, very little gets done quickly. It's a very Catholic way of working, a self-denial, punishing, force-yourself kind of thing where I still allow myself to wiggle out of responsibilities.

Perhaps the real New Year's resolution should have been "reducing angst", because then the rest would fall into place?

I have not been at my best lately. I have been mis-speaking, saying the wrong words and looking silly, saying illogical things, being ditzy, thinking and speaking in mismatched ways. Sloppy. I hate that. I don't know how to stop it. It's one of those hindsight things, where you realize your mistake right when or right after you make it.

I need a little pocket planner. Yes, and some file folders, so I can Get Things Done.

*****

And lastly, work bothers me. It bothers me because it's really fast-paced multitasking with lots of working with people, the exact kind of work my neurologists have told me not to do. The pay is good, so I have to stay. My boss and coworkers really want me to stay and they tell me so because they experienced a lot of turnover lately. They want me to succeed. If I work hard at this, maybe I could advance to something else in the hospital where I could be more behind the scenes. It bothers me that I don't totally like it, because I don't want to be a princess, where nothing is good enough for me.

I have the nagging feeling that this isn't what I want, and if I ignore this feeling, I will regret it.

Will I EVER get a job on my own resume power? Without having to be temp first?

I am sick and tired of stereotypical jobs where I simply keep everything running smoothly. I want to be the one making the "everything". I want to be the decision maker, the creative thinker, the one who shapes things and discovers things. I can't picture what this would look like, so it's really hard to know what to go after. I know I have to do gruntwork before I get there. But what if I think the grunt work won't lead me toward anything I want? Do I stay and suck it up, or do I leave and search for something better as soon as possible?

I need to network and I need to go back to college for science. Some weekend, I need to go to both Bunker Hill Community College and UMass Boston and find out what my options are. For science.

What I want is a job I can be proud of, a job where I'm not embarrassed to talk about what I do for a living because it sounds dumb. I know I belong in science. But if that doesn't work out, I have to find another place for myself in the world. They say that most people don't work within their original chosen fields, and most people just fall into their jobs by dumb luck, or they do a mishmash of things that make them happy without being clearly defined.

Until I find that, I have no choice but to work hard at my job, and stop mentally leaving work at work each day, and seeking out more work in the areas that interest me, and get to know people...try to catch someone's eye. And keep applying at places.

Five years of college, $400 worth of job counselling, and all I know is that I want to be a scientist, which may or may not be practical. What else is there for me? I need something NOW. I would not feel confident about starting a real adult life on this current career track, having a marriage and possibly a family and a house. I feel like if I don't really "make it" by the time I'm 30, I'm fucked.

*sigh*

Does high pressure keep you alive, or push you faster toward death?

HAY GUYS!!!!!1!!!

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 03:48:25 GMT

yeah kids, let's have ourselves an update, in classic bulleted list form:

-got highly-stressful but decent-paying job at the same hospital I was working at two years ago
-got a boy...thing. Yes, a boything. He's fun to play with, that's for sure.
-science knocks ever louder at my door, as in, going back to school
-am terrified...TERRIFIED...at the prospect of returning to school, but I feel I have no choice
-might return to ballet class again tomorrow
-hanging out with punks all the time, as life should be
-playing my bass all the time, as life should be
-failing at my New Year's Resolution to catch up on sewing
-fighting uphill battle to stop mentally checking out all the time
-mother trying to use me for therapy in a passive aggressive way
-life ending one minute at a time

School is the most troubling thing right now. I really, really like my freedom now. But I hate this feeling of rapidly going nowhere in my current "career", especially when all the job counselling points to science, and my future paycheck needs also point to science. Along with my happiness needs, and enjoy-your-job-and-excel needs. Not to mention my still-sort-of-fresh youth and relative lack of responsibilities right now. I may need to do the mature thing and put my immaturity to its best use.

*sigh* I could really use a sugar daddy right now.

in heaven, everything is fine

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 05:37:53 GMT

What does it mean when you watch Eraserhead and you feel the most pity for the poor beast on the table?

techniques of motivation

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 01:01:45 GMT

This boy I've been hanging out with says the best way to motivate himself is to put himself in an impossible situation, where he's backed against a wall and HAS to find a way to dig himself out or face certain destruction. Then he has the most success.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. That sort of situation makes my brain lock up, not open up. I guess I haven't really tried that too much, but every time I came close to such a situation, I started doing bad things to myself.

I kind of feel like a loser for not responding well to situations like that, but what are you gonna do?

In spite of my good 2007, I am still in a rut of sorts and tired of having jobs that I am ashamed to discuss. There's a certain job I'm hoping to get. I'm kind of scared. I'm mad at myself for being scared, and I wish I was better at being ambitious.

resolutions, of course

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 00:50:00 GMT

2008 is beginning with me surrounded by musicians. This should hopefully be a good thing.

The essence of my resolution for this year is no more mentally checking out. This means I have to stop hiding and procrastinating and saying "what if..." and "why can't I..." and "not right now..." The best way to enforce this is to hang on to the idea like a jawbreaker in my mouth, and just work at it, bit by bit.

Also, 2008 should have:

MORE
-completed sewing projects
-books read
-good job experiences
-ballet lessons
-biking
-exercise
-sexy underwear
-calling people back
-thank you notes
-musical experiences
-going on dates

LESS
-procrastinating
-making messes
-sleeping too late
-focusing on my mortality
-cowardice

2007 was so damn good for me.
-I stopped being socially anxious
-I became capable of living with roommates
-I found a great apartment and moved to Boston
-I started playing bass
-I ripped almost every punk rock CD the library had to offer
-I went to shows
-I saw A Global Threat and The Unseen
-I went to PDX
-I learned new things and read thought-provoking books
-I made friends with bike messengers
-I had great sex
-I made a ton of new friends overall
-I went to good parties
-I sewed nice things
-I felt good more than I felt bad

get pissed

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 03:13:50 GMT

Must Be Something In The Water

Holiday goodies also spice up waterways
By Emily Anthes
Globe Correspondent / December 24, 2007

When the holidays end, all that gingerbread, pumpkin pie, and eggnog will leave behind a few souvenir pounds to remind us of the merrymaking. But we're not the only ones who will show evidence of our seasonal feasts. So, in all likelihood, will the Boston waterways.

During the holiday season, research shows, some coastal waters indicate noticeable spikes in their levels of cinnamon, vanilla, and other baking spices. These studies - along with similar research that has revealed significant levels of caffeine in Boston seawater - provide a dramatic illustration of how even the most trivial-seeming human behaviors can influence the marine environment.

"We see these indications of human activity everywhere we go in the coastal ocean," said Rick Keil, a geochemist at the University of Washington. "Anywhere people are living near the coasts, you'll see some sort of remnants from their kitchens getting out into the water. It's very apparent that our fingerprint is everywhere."

Neither caffeine nor spices are thought to pose any serious hazards to humans or sea life when they're present in the marine environment. But the fact that they turn up at all in the water suggests that other, potentially less benign, human waste and contaminants may also be present.

Keil's research on the presence of baking spices in seawater started in the fall of 2006 as a project to convince his dubious undergraduates that there were connections between their everyday lives and his oceanography class.

Any spices that humans put into their mouths also show up in human sewage. Small amounts of these spices persist even after wastewater is treated, and when the treated water gets discharged into the marine environment, so do the spices.

After a brief investigation, Keil found that cinnamon and vanilla were indeed present in nearby Puget Sound and that their concentrations varied over time. The data he collected last year clearly showed a spike in vanilla and cinnamon levels just after Thanksgiving, with levels remaining high until New Year's. This rise, he concluded, was likely a result of all the holiday goodies Seattle residents were eating at that time of year.

This year, Keil has continued to monitor baking spices in Puget Sound and has also expanded his testing to include parsley, sage, rosemary, caffeine, theobromine (a compound in chocolate), and more. This year, he found a marked increase in theobromine just after Valentine's Day, and an even more pronounced spike than last year in baking spices after Thanksgiving.

"There's a real rhythm to how the city seems to behave and then there's a reaction to that in the environment," Keil said.

Bob Chen, a geochemist at the University of Massachusetts, Boston, believes Keil's findings likely apply far beyond Puget Sound. He doesn't know of any researchers who have specifically measured spices in Boston-area water, but if someone went looking for them, he said, "I'm sure they'd be there."

Chen is known for research documenting measurable levels of caffeine in Boston Harbor, Massachusetts Bay, and the Charles River. Studies of caffeine and spices, Chen said, provide a useful way for scientists to assess human influence on local waterways and for the public to understand this relationship.

"Finding common everyday chemicals in the water is a good connection between what we do and how it effects the environment," said Chen, who has also studied the seasonal presence of sunscreen in waterways in the Boston area. "A lot of people don't think about contaminants in that way. . . . Whatever we do is going to impact the waterways."

The Massachusetts Water Resources Authority does not test for spices in the water, said Ria Convery, communications director for the agency.

"I don't even know how you would do that. It's hard enough to figure out how to test for normal contaminants," she said. But she said she was intrigued by the idea that spices could be in the water, joking, "We could sprinkle a little cinnamon out there and see if the whales like it."
© Copyright 2007 Globe Newspaper Company.

May you have a Joyous Agnostica or Happy Festivus or Merry Sparklemas or Jolly Good Giftmas or a Fuckin' A Christmahannukwanzikaa.

happy

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 01:42:54 GMT

All in all, I'm in love with the world. My world.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to cut through my sewing project pile, some of it getting to be three and four years old, and both fatten up my wardrobe with the pretty things I dreamed up, AND clear my headspace for other wonderful things. Because there's a lot of wonderful to be had and dreamed and planned and done. A lot of good things are cooking in my brain, and eventually I'll tell you about all of them, but for now, I'll just hang on to them like hard candy in my mouth. Sweet, indeed.

And may you have Joyous Agnostica this holiday season, with lots of cookies, snuggles, and cheerful drug abuse!

makin' it

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 04:24:03 GMT

Condoms and Play-Doh.

I was really sad that the pharmacist was unimpressed, and now I have a party pack of multicolored play-doh cups on my desk.

steam heat

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 07:57:08 GMT

Delightfully predictable. I'm a simple girl, really. Three chords and I'm plenty happy.

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gah

Fri, 14 Dec 2007 06:21:48 GMT

DEAR WORLD:

Could you just, um, calm the fuck down? Please? I can't bear to read the news or hear about anything anymore. Just....augh, go have some cocoa or something and make the most of your existence.

Thank you and good night.

Or no good night, not yet.

I am stuck in this stupid thing lately where I cannot sleep easily. I go to bed, finally, at like one or two AM, whereupon I toss and turn for a few hours, whereupon I sleep in to 11:30 because I am too inebriated by slumber to be useful.

the annual abuse of the pancreas

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 19:36:23 GMT

Giftmas (and the following January) is the only time of year when I allow myself to just eat cookies at will. I kind of hate myself for it, but they're tasty. The things I like best about this time of year are giving presents, strings of lights, and cookies.

If you or your family celebrates Giftmas, what kinds of cookies do you make? What cookies do you remember from childhood? Post recipes too!

In my life, we made:

-snickerdoodles
-shaped sugar cookies
-raspberry crumble bars
-thumbprint cookies
-chocolate chip congo bars
-seven-layer bars
-lemon bars

Both dogoncouch's mom and m00n's mom make mean Russian Teacakes, and I want to try those this year if I get around to it.

I'd post recipes, but they all came from my mother's late 70s Betty Crocker book and various things cut from magazines. Seven-layer bars have the wonderful simplicity of simply opening packages and dumping them, in order, into the baking pan.

However, I really like these lemon bars:

Super Lemony Lemon Squares
Recipe courtesy Emeril Lagasse, 2004

12 tablespoons (1 1/2 sticks), plus 1 tablespoon cold unsalted butter
1 3/4 cups plus 3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2/3 cup confectioners' sugar, plus more for garnish
1/4 cup cornstarch
3/4 teaspoon salt plus a pinch
4 eggs, lightly beaten
1 1/3 cups granulated sugar
1 1/2 teaspoons lemon zest
2/3 cup fresh lemon juice, strained
1/4 cup whole milk
2 tablespoons limoncello, or other lemon-flavored liqueur, optional

Lightly butter a 9 by 13-inch baking dish with 2 teaspoons of the butter and line with 1 sheet of parchment or waxed paper. Butter the top of this sheet of paper with 1 teaspoon of the remaining butter and then lay a second sheet of parchment or waxed paper crosswise over the first sheet. The parchment should be cut large enough so that the sides are even with the top of the baking dish; this extra paper will function as handles to help you remove the lemon squares from the pan later. Set pan aside.

In a large bowl combine 1 3/4 cups of the flour, 2/3 cup of the confectioners' sugar, the cornstarch, and 3/4 teaspoon of the salt and mix thoroughly. Cut the remaining 12 tablespoons of butter into small pieces and add to the flour mixture. Using your hands, 2 forks, or a pastry blender, work the butter into the flour mixture until the mixture resembles coarse meal. Transfer the butter-flour mixture to the prepared baking dish and press into an even 1/4-inch layer along the bottom and partly up the sides of the pan. Refrigerate for 30 minutes.

While the crust is chilling, preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Bake the crust until golden brown, about 20 to 25 minutes.

While the crust is baking, assemble the filling by combining the eggs, granulated sugar, flour, and lemon zest in a medium bowl and whisking until smooth. Stir in lemon juice, milk, limoncello, and remaining pinch of salt and mix well.

When the crust is golden brown, remove it from the oven and reduce the oven temperature to 325 degrees F. Stir the lemon mixture again, then pour onto the warm crust. Bake until the filling is set, about 20 minutes. Transfer to a wire rack to cool completely. Grasp the waxed paper that lines the 2 longest sides of the baking dish and remove the bars from the pan by pulling up gently. The entire dessert should easily dislodge and come away from the pan. Transfer to a cutting board and, using a clean knife, cut into squares, wiping knife after each cut. Place a small amount of confectioners' sugar into a small sieve, and sprinkle the bars with the sugar. Serve immediately, or refrigerate, wrapped with plastic wrap, up to 2 days, until ready to serve.

Recipe Summary
Difficulty: Easy
Prep Time: 12 minutes
Inactive Prep Time: 50 minutes
Cook Time: 40 minutes
Yield: about 24 (1 1/2 to 2-inch) squares
User Rating: 5 Stars

Episode#: EE2E04
Copyright © 2006 Television Food Network, G.P., All Rights Reserved

It's snowing pretty hard out there. It's pretty, and I'm glad I have no car to dig out.

more trouble

Tue, 04 Dec 2007 06:31:46 GMT

And now I just got into trouble in feminist for being sexist for the first time ever.

What the hell is wrong with me.

All I said was that women can be vicious and mean and competitive, and anyone who denies that is willfully blind. And that women often find ways to obstruct clear communication.

To wit:

Yeah, see, I can relate to this. Anyone who says that women are not aggressive or not vicious or not competitive is totally, willfully blind. I prefer the company of men and likeminded women. Men are easier to deal with because I feel I have an easier time being blunt with them and telling them where they've fucked up. Women, on the other hand, have some kind of inexplicable danger about them that makes you want to back away. Women are impossible to read, always bobbing and weaving and lying.

I am taking a pretty huge swipe at the idea that says "If women ruled the world, we'd have world peace." Um, NO. That is a patronizing thing to say and believe.

I guess I was painting all women with a broad brush? I think I was calling female socialization on its bullshit. Women are taught to be passive-aggressive, I think. You're supposed to be nice and accommodating to everyone and make sure everyone is happy and having a good time and always available and always the one to handle emotional issues in a relationship because women, ya know, always so emotional and nurturing and the universal female urge (never a male urge) to make families and hearth and home and blah blah FUCKING BLAH.

So you learn to be passive-aggressive to beat the others and protect yourself and avoid being policed for being unwomanly. I feel like the majority of women do not initially trust one another unless they are serious gender outlaws who recognize that in each other. And I see groups of women talking together on the T or something, and they're all being faux genuine with each other and going through the etiquette and false shows of self-disclosure and smiling and "OH HIIIIIIIIIIII! HOW ARE YOU???? :-D" And then my bullshit meter starts to flash and play the Death March really loudly and I see poison in that smarmy little grin of hers while she is studying my thighs in order to decide how much to either hate me or feel like she is better than me. And yeah, I am studying her thighs too, because I fucking hate my thighs.

Do you know how it feels for every girl to study every other girl's plate or lack thereof at lunch time, and then gossip hard and fast about exactly what so-and-so ate or did not eat and then launch into a discussion of how her clothes fit on her and how her butt looks and how she is such a fat bitch? Do you know how it is to compete with every other girl to see who can go the longest without eating anything, or who can lose the most weight the fastest? Or who can get laid the most or have the most clothes or drink the hardest or snort the longest, fattest line? Or spread rumors that are very hard to disprove?

In warrior societies like ancient Greece, where the potential to harm one another is great and immediate, there evolves an elaborate system of etiquette to control human interactions. A lot of it is just ritual to mollify one another. Truly good manners are not about this, they are about kindness and getting on a good rapport with people and being considerate and a basic level of interest in your fellow human, a certain benefit-of-the-doubt ethos.

Girl culture etiquette is more about baiting one another in a cultural pressure cooker and seeing the reaction in order to judge. It's not about kindness, more about making a fake display of self-disclosure while trying to dupe the other into true self-disclosure, then gathering ammunition for later. It's about finding where you stand and redefining where you stand by searching for weaknesses/footholds. It's about a vested interest in exerting control over the communication, the double-speak and mind-games that are hallmarks of passive-aggressive behavior. Girls fight with words, and we all know that words are much, much worse than sticks and stones.

This doesn't happen all the time. Some relationships do not start out like this. Some people manage to become genuine friends in the process of this. But in girl culture, this type of behavior is, at some level, a fact of life.

Time to do some more crunches, I guess.

burning down your house

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 19:00:24 GMT

I read this: Emo: Where The Girls Aren't.

Sometimes I think punk rock as an entity has more to offer than its human inhabitants can realize. The potential is there. The courage and creative thinking it demands is huge. It's part of the paradox of being forever young: you think you know everything, but you may or may not be able to really look between the lines. Youth permits serious coloring outside the lines, a mind unfettered by the rituals of maturity. Or you can look really hard and just never see it until you're old enough to be creative again.

The presence or absence of all girl punk bands is a perfect example of this. I think the serious lack of girl punk bands (and no, female-fronted is not enough) just hangs onto the idea of women as photographers, merch table-ers, girlfriends, and groupies. As consumers rather than producers. As helpless and indecisive and incapable of creating anything that anyone takes seriously. The girls at the shows never see anyone like them onstage, and for whatever reason, this reinforces the idea that This Is How It Is Supposed To Be. Not that anything is stopping them, or that these girls are not smart or are lazy.

But there is MUCH to be said for seeing people like yourself represented in public, in the media, in ubiquity. People of color especially have to deal with this, where they are almost never seen in the media, or are just tokens. This is called symbolic assassination. When you're a white guy, you see yourself everywhere, and this tells stories about what you are like and how you might define yourself. When you only see yourself as a token or only acting out a particular role over and over again, that also tells a story about what you are like and how you are seen.

So I went on a long, winding, fractalizing rant about gender and dominance...

I think when people are framed to be exclusively consumers (not decision makers, to be protected, to support and benefit from something else) it breeds resentment. And no one likes to resent another because it's stressful, but the idea of resenting the consuming, helpless female is a norm. So the culture reinforces the consumer position rather than the producer position, and it allows people to continue to resent women because "we're supposed to" feel that slightly angry tension. Without that slightly angry tension born of very limited social roles, the gender roles and subsequent inequalities would vanish and we would scramble to try to define ourselves in the way we're used to defining ourselves, our places in society. The dominant needs an excuse to dislike and distrust what it Isn't.

Couple this with the idea of masculinity. According to Michael Kimmel and a few other things I've read, being a man means NOT being something else. The ideal man is white and straight and the norm. The ideal man is invisible and ubiquitous, and Everything Else is a deviation that has to be named. No one needs to tell me I'm a girl. But I guess men are always stressing about how people will name them, lest they slip into the Other. So they are Not Womanly (or sissies or pussies). They are Not Gay (not faggots). They are Not Like Their Mothers (note the scorn of "mama's boys"). They Have Balls.

When bullies trash other people and keep their victims in line, they are reinforcing their differences. They are showing how the differences between themselves and their victims makes for a clear dominance. They point out their victims in front of everyone, loudly naming their victim's weirdness against a backdrop of Normal. In my experience, one of the many tactics of bullies also happened to be suggesting someone was a gender outlaw. Like I'd get teased for the dark hair on my upper lip or my deepish voice. Or I'd get kicked incredibly hard in the crotch as some kind of test. If I doubled over, that meant I had balls and was a boy dressing like a girl.

Who defines what? Who has the right, the authority to say What Is and What Isn't? Who to say what they are Like and Unlike? Who points out the weirdos against the silent, assumed, so-obvious-it-goes-without-saying norm?

I'm not saying that all men trash all women all the time. What I am saying is the invisible, assumed, genericism of maleness is a powerful sign of dominance on the part of one gender over the others. And individual men will say, well, you complain about your oppressedness but I don't feel particularly powerful on a day-to-day basis. And it's true, he probably doesn't feel powerful because he has to spend so much time working so hard to prove that he's a man, lest he risk some kind of gendered violence or disapproval for not being manly enough. And maybe he wishes he could behave in ways that are more acceptable for women, but he feels something is wrong with him for wanting that and he quickly puts it out of his mind.

So when you have just a few rigid roles and representations for women in the world, in the media, in the culture, it dehumanizes women into a few boxes and people think they have women all figured out based on the stereotypes. Then it's easy to police the ones who try to break the rules. The rest of the time, there is such limited representation across the board, it just doesn't occur to a lot of women to even try to break out.

See The Sexualization of Girls, a very important piece that details the grossly limited/lack of represenation of women in the cultural systems that shape our lives.

And did I not say that men are subject to limited roles as well? They are, but in all the ways that women are represented as being especially female, those same images are largely missing for guys. Males get to appear everywhere else, in all kinds of careers, in the voiceovers in commercials, in bands (show me a punk show poster that touts an "all-boy band" versus the much rarer "all-girl band"), in workplaces, etc.

And while equal representation is getting better, notice what direction it goes it. It's great for a girl to play soccer and wear pants and aspire to be doctors and lawyers and do "manly" things. It's MUCH WORSE for a guy who wants to be a nurse or take ballet lessons. If a man wears a skirt that's not a Utilikilt, watch out!

Feminism went pretty far in achieving the idea of getting to do all the stuff the boys do, but it hasn't yet picked apart the gender rules of what it means to be human. So far, we have made it seem that doing traditionally masculine stuff is normal and good, and anything traditionally feminine is still feminine, a special-interest group with special activities that ought to be thrown aside or forgotten or laughed about. It's as if masculine stuff is great for everyone, and everyone ought to aspire to being like this, but all that feminine, multicultural, multisexual stuff isn't good enough for Real Men or anyone who wants to be like that. That's just extra crap, not worth being taken seriously.

What we need to do is throw away the labels altogether, stop genderizing activities and behaviors and traits, and be true to ourselves. True to ourselves as whatever gender we want to be and whatever WE are. It takes such courage and security in ourselves to do this, and a certain amount of freedom from fear of repercussion (although that very fear breeds some interesting cultural manifestations that I still love). Just because studies say that more women or more men respond in particular ways, it doesn't mean that that is how we were meant to be, or that we fit into those roles anyway. It's terribly scary to go there, to throw away things that might have benefits and privileges, or to run afoul of silent rules. But I think it's pretty punk rock to do just that, and we HAVE to do it. Punks have always been canaries in coal mines, and we ignore a lot of those ideas at our peril.

"True to ourselves" is such a cute little catchphrase with absolutely terrifying depth and complication when you really look at it. We might go our whole lives before we are able to do it.

lawsonia rules

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 01:09:00 GMT

Once there was a macabre girl who was tired of her black hair turning pure white, due to the melanocytes just giving up and leaving. Having never dyed her hair before, she was at a loss until she discovered Henna For Hair, which perfectly appealed to her neverending desire to do stuff differently than the norm.

So she went on a

She bought 400 grams of henna from Mehandi and proceeded to mix it up in a way, she hoped, would make those white hairs fire engine red. She added a whole bottle of Real Lemon, another little bottle of lime juice, and still more water to get the stuff to turn pasty-goopy. She was utterly amazed by how much liquid she had to add to it to get it to the right consistency. In addition, she added a bunch of ground cloves and some Hungarian paprika purchased from Christina's Spices and Specialty Foods.

She had to let it sit out for 24 hours to let the dye release, whereupon the greenish gunk would turn very brown and the saran wrap would get orange stains. She made sure her roommates would not be inclined to taste it...

She eventually had to get a bigger bowl in order to add a whole cup of super-strong chai tea, whereupon the texture was perfect.

When the stuff was ready, she prepared the bathroom...

She surveyed the greys...

She pulled on her vinyl gloves, smeared Vaseline around her hairline, took a deep breath, and began slathering mud into her hair as thoroughly as possible. The best way to do it is just to get some on your fingers and moosh it in. Not really rocket science.

When she was done, she twisted the mess into a pile on top of her head.

She thought the whole thing was pretty hilarious, and moreso when she wrapped her head in plastic wrap and a wreath of paper towels.

After adding a shower cap, she piled on a hat and two hoodies to increase the heat as much as possible.

No, nothing unusual going on here!

She sat around for four hours to let the goop do its magic on her white hairs. Then she hopped in the shower, took off the plastic and paper towels, and rinsed until the water stopped being orange.

She got out of the shower and let out a yelp when she parted her hair. It WORKED! She let it dry and took pictures for posterity.

She was so excited that she hammed it up for the camera...

She was beyond thrilled! Her hair is glam and shiny and while it does smell rather weird, she expects that to pass soon. She has heard that in a few days, the orange should darken some more, which would be awesome, but she's pretty fucking happy with the electric coppery red strands that adorn her locks, not to mention the overall red sheen that comes out in bright light.

She is now no longer the only girl in the punk rock scene who never dyed her hair.

w00t!

for the hell of it

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 06:26:52 GMT

I hate suddenly discovering myself locked into a pissing contest. You basically have to leave your dignity behind.

dreams and screams

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 18:32:13 GMT

I had a weird dream where I was pregnant, and all I could think was, "I REALLY don't want to be pregnant now. No no no." I was not excited. My life was just flashing before my eyes, my heart sinking fast. Everyone else was excited and I was doing a bad job of pretending to be excited. Also, "Who's the dad? I'm four months along...who?...I didn't have any sex four months ago...right???"

So glad to wake up.

Nonetheless, the baby was a boy and I named him Ethan, just like I'd always planned to name my first boy child. First girl child will be Allegra Grace.

I also keep thinking about how much I'd like to be married someday in my late twenties, and I feel odd wanting this. But it makes sense for me, as I like to have a long, steady situation with someone, and I love him in many different yet synergistic ways. One of my problems with the pregnancy dream is that I do NOT want to have any babies until I am really sure that my partner is there and in for the longest possible haul. I figure if I'm going to marry him, I'm pretty sure about keeping him and I like him a lot and ideally he agrees. I wouldn't want to have any children in a situation outside of that. Way too much risk.

Nonetheless, until I am married, I am only committed to enjoying my singledom to the hilt. No regrets down the line, no thank you.

And yet, whenever I see a boy who is really cute, a part of my brain flickers to "what if he's my man?" I hate myself for this, but honestly, you never know. You just never know. Obviously, cute doesn't guarantee that he isn't a crybaby or an asshole or abusive or a metalhead or a conservative. Or even boyfriend material. Or should the opportunity arise, I can see myself suddenly not wanting him permanently, just as a source of good cock as I need it.

But I can't ignore the fact that you never know.

what have we learned?

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 03:08:19 GMT

Grappa tastes exactly like poison. Or something you'd use to kill tumors. Or perhaps use as a pesticide. You know, poison.

My dad loves the stuff. 'Splains a hell of a lot.

big girl

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 02:57:58 GMT

In addition to hitting on married men, I am discovering a need for a Large Purse. All I have is my messenger bag covered with punk rock pins and offensive sayings, and a few tiny purses for formal events. Today I went on a lukewarm job interview and barely managed to find an inoffensive bag that could hold all my library books.

As a corollary to this, I have taken increasing interest in purses at the thrift shop, but I never buy any. I hang onto the idea that I will sew my own. I wanted to design the Ultimate Purse: classy and roomy and could go from the office to the ballet, big enough to hold a book or a flat sheet of 8.5" x 11" paper (and a special sleeve just for it), and based on the Golden Rectangle ratio for maximum aesthetic effect. But, I'd have to actually do it. I still haven't sewn my winter coat.

But I don't know if I am any good at getting myself to sew lately. I think and talk about sewing more than I actually sew and it's troubling. I prefer surfing the internets, and somehow I convince myself that this is worth doing. Some of it is worth doing, but there's other stuff worth doing at this time. I'm at a crossroads with my sewing persona. I am in a good position to sew. Why don't I? I don't like to think on it. I should just do it, in fact.

Procrastination, I have discovered, is a constant reshuffling of the to-do list in your head, and evaluating what you can "get away with" at this very moment without regard to the long view. We all reshuffle our to-do list, but some of us shuffle harder and faster and more greedily than others. Coupled with a desire to self-soothe, we get procrastination. You lose your ability to see the big picture.

I need to get a better grip on rationalizing what is "a good thing to be doing at this time." I'll say, "well, I was supposed to be doing X, but now I'm doing Y, and Y is important too, so I should keep doing Y!" No, not so.

In the end, you don't live on the internet. You live in real life.

Unrelated, but since chilling with the bike messengers, riding is beginning to be more and more appealing, bad weather be damned. I need to get my bike back and try riding around the city on my own, just to see how it is.

Okay. I am really going to sew tonight. Once I get going, I go.

ring disease

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 18:12:54 GMT

Now that I am 25, I have this new problem. I hit on guys who turn out to be married.

I don't like this game anymore.

a day like this

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 04:34:08 GMT

-wake at 10:30
-buy henna to dye hair
-scoot out to bring wool to the dry-cleaner's for $30 worth of cleaning and pressing to make my coat
-go to Brighton library, get a new card for the Boston system, rent Thank You For Smoking!
-go to job counsellor, feel better about the future
-eat delicious falafel sandwich from Falafel King
-go to Revolution Bicycle in search of a new U-lock
-find a bunch of boys drinking beer and watching Jesus Camp
-discover they are fresh out of U-locks until Tuesday, but would I like to sit and watch the movie? Yes, yes I would.
-drink Harpoon and Raspberry Lambic while watching the crazies on the TV set scream about JAY-ZUSS
-laugh about Ted Haggard
-discuss how Hare Krishnas put saltpeter in the food they hand out to cut the sex drive of the masses, complete with sad stories from the poor messenger who ate their stuff while on a cross-country trip(he has since recovered)
-go to Winthrop Square and sit with the messengers
-go to take a piss at JJ Foley's and nearly get into a fight with a yuppie who won't get the fuck out of my way
-play hackey sack and tell dirty jokes with the messengers
-check out the supercute messenger who happens to bike by my house every day on his way to his house
-go to BU to watch my friend play bass in a gospel concert (!!!) at the very place where my parents got married in 1977
-come home and be resentful of having to wake up at 7:30 in the morning to go wedding shopping

In other news, I love UMass and its funny, unique personality, warts and all. Oh UMass, with your groundbreaking gender studies research and great love of protests. Frankly, I think this protest is warranted. The state REALLY ought to fucking fund higher ed and stop allowing it to either languish or be paid for by big fat corporations. Stick with it, kids.

retail therapy

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 01:46:32 GMT

I just made the best purchase ever, which consisted only of a 12-pack of Trojan MAGNUM condoms and a box of 50 vinyl exam gloves.

blind

Tue, 13 Nov 2007 00:16:00 GMT

Trying to teach yourself the bass is incredibly frustrating, no matter how many books you throw at the problem. I don't think I'm really learning anything, at least not in any usable way. Fucking hell.

now we know

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 17:50:23 GMT

Which Venomous Egg-Laying Mammal Are You?

Yep, I am definitely unemployed. Today's tasks include going through the paper on my desk, laundry, sewing my winter coat (only three years overdue!), and maybe possibly leaving the house.

laze

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 17:10:15 GMT

Unemployment is going really well so far. It's tricky to get the hang of it. Like this morning I woke at 6 and got all annoyed about having to get up for work...and then I realized that it's both Saturday AND I have no job to go to. I fell back to sleep, victoriously.

Last night I saw a bunch of bands with my awesome new friend madeleine_starr. We have Top Secret Plans up our sleeves ;-) I loved The Blue Bloods and Sonic Bomb! Both of these bands had a female musician somewhere in the lineup, which made us super happy. And we ate delicious cheap Indian food. GOOD TIMES!

The other day on the T, I overheard two college kids playing a game called "Fuck, Chuck, or Marry". You think of three people you know of the preferred gender and ask your partner to make the decision: who to fuck, who to chuck, who to marry? It's interesting and it's great for making people squirm.

Try it!