Ancora Imparo (macabre_grrl) wrote,
Ancora Imparo
macabre_grrl

  • Mood:

good-better-best

My special friend just left to go home, and I'm feeling a bit low.

It's okay though. It's just how it is. It'll wear off.

This year, I have failed to move much on my plans for improvement, which included more ballet lessons and more progress on finishing sewing projects.

In the ballet world, I am stymied by schedules. Will try again this week. I have to get my metabolism higher and keep it higher. This is a short-term as well as long-term goal, because my metabolism will slow down the older I get...unless I do something about it. I must keep my metabolism at an all-time high all the time. I have no real responsibilities now, so there's no excuse.

In the sewing world, I am stymied by my winter coat. The pocket situation is stressing me out. I read the instructions for making a welted pocket. The instructions are not clear. I set them aside and panic about them, hoping I can figure them out eventually. Production stands still. Lather, rinse, repeat. All this due to angst. And somehow I'm afraid to start other projects until I finish the first ones, and in the end, very little gets done quickly. It's a very Catholic way of working, a self-denial, punishing, force-yourself kind of thing where I still allow myself to wiggle out of responsibilities.

Perhaps the real New Year's resolution should have been "reducing angst", because then the rest would fall into place?

I have not been at my best lately. I have been mis-speaking, saying the wrong words and looking silly, saying illogical things, being ditzy, thinking and speaking in mismatched ways. Sloppy. I hate that. I don't know how to stop it. It's one of those hindsight things, where you realize your mistake right when or right after you make it.

I need a little pocket planner. Yes, and some file folders, so I can Get Things Done.

*****


And lastly, work bothers me. It bothers me because it's really fast-paced multitasking with lots of working with people, the exact kind of work my neurologists have told me not to do. The pay is good, so I have to stay. My boss and coworkers really want me to stay and they tell me so because they experienced a lot of turnover lately. They want me to succeed. If I work hard at this, maybe I could advance to something else in the hospital where I could be more behind the scenes. It bothers me that I don't totally like it, because I don't want to be a princess, where nothing is good enough for me.

I have the nagging feeling that this isn't what I want, and if I ignore this feeling, I will regret it.

Will I EVER get a job on my own resume power? Without having to be temp first?

I am sick and tired of stereotypical jobs where I simply keep everything running smoothly. I want to be the one making the "everything". I want to be the decision maker, the creative thinker, the one who shapes things and discovers things. I can't picture what this would look like, so it's really hard to know what to go after. I know I have to do gruntwork before I get there. But what if I think the grunt work won't lead me toward anything I want? Do I stay and suck it up, or do I leave and search for something better as soon as possible?

I need to network and I need to go back to college for science. Some weekend, I need to go to both Bunker Hill Community College and UMass Boston and find out what my options are. For science.

What I want is a job I can be proud of, a job where I'm not embarrassed to talk about what I do for a living because it sounds dumb. I know I belong in science. But if that doesn't work out, I have to find another place for myself in the world. They say that most people don't work within their original chosen fields, and most people just fall into their jobs by dumb luck, or they do a mishmash of things that make them happy without being clearly defined.

Until I find that, I have no choice but to work hard at my job, and stop mentally leaving work at work each day, and seeking out more work in the areas that interest me, and get to know people...try to catch someone's eye. And keep applying at places.

Five years of college, $400 worth of job counselling, and all I know is that I want to be a scientist, which may or may not be practical. What else is there for me? I need something NOW. I would not feel confident about starting a real adult life on this current career track, having a marriage and possibly a family and a house. I feel like if I don't really "make it" by the time I'm 30, I'm fucked.

*sigh*

Does high pressure keep you alive, or push you faster toward death?
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